Cracks and Shorts
by Albedo de Lute
Summary: Short stories set in the Nanoha Multiverse, both cracks and srs bsness.


_**The Ultimate Showdown of TSAB's Destiny**_

**- - -  
**

Vivio looked around at the various drunken attendees of Hayate's Riot Force Six And Friends Reunion Party.

"So Vivio… are you going to sing us that song you told us about?" Hayate asked with an alcohol-induced flush on her face, sprawled on a couch with her head lying on a near-unconscious Vita's lap, who in turn was leaning against Cinque.

Anxiety ran through Vivio's mismatched eyes as she once again pondered her chances of survival after singing the song she had prepared. It had seemed like an oh-so-funny idea at the time – even her device had approved it. In retrospect, she should have taken that as a very bad sign from the get-go.

**Stage fright, mistress?** the too-intelligent device teased.

"I'm just enjoying the last peaceful moments of my life," Vivio shot back as she cradled the microphone in her hands as though it might explode at any moment.

**The probability that you will be targeted by multiple siege-level attacks is near unity.**

"That's why you agreed to provide the music, isn't it?"

"Yay~ Vivi's~ gonna~ sing!" Nanoha-mama giggled in excited anticipation. Vivio had discovered the hard way earlier in the evening that even bashed beyond capability to perform any other functions, Nanoha-mama somehow retained the ability to intervene each and every time Vivio tried to sneak something alcoholic into her mouth. That was the sole reason that Vivio was the sole person in the building still sober; heck, even normally stoic Otto and Deed were drunk.

**Cliched rap beat, set up!** Royal Cypher, Vivio's device, seemed to catch on to her hesitation and took matters into its own metaphorical hands. The device connected to the sound equipment set up for the party, and a heavy drum beat echoed throughout the house. Vivio swallowed and pushed herself past the point of no return.

- - -

_Old Voltaire was hopping around__  
Cranagan like a big playground  
__When suddenly Fate made a barrier  
__And hit Voltaire with an Arc Saber__  
Voltaire got pissed and gave a real loud yell__  
But didn't expect to be swept by Noel__  
Who proceeded to open up a can of maid-fu  
When Hakutenou came out of the blue_

_And it started beating up Noel Ehrlichkeit__  
Then they both got flattened by a Phalanx Shift  
__But before Fate warped back to the Garden of Time  
Zest Grangaitz came as an undead mime  
And took an Agito unison out from his motherlode  
And blew Fate away with their unison mode  
But he ran out of cartridges and he ran away  
Because Yunno Scrya came to save the day_

_This is the Ultimate Showdown of TSAB's Destiny__  
Terrans, Numbers, Wolkenritter, Hayate's Lesbian Army__  
And only one will survive, I wonder who it will be  
__This is the Ultimate Showdown of TSAB's Destiny  
_

_Voltaire took a bite out of Yunno Scrya__  
Like Schach Nouera took a bite durin' praya__  
And then Noel came back – but there was a track  
T'was Subaru's Wing Road; she jumped on her back  
And Fate was injured, and trying to get steady  
When Zest Grangaitz came back with a machete  
But suddenly something caught his leg and he tripped  
Precia Test'rossa took him out with her whip_

_Then she saw Voltaire sneaking up from behind  
And she reached for her staff which she just couldn't find  
'Cause Fate stole it and she shot and she missed  
and Subaru deflected it with her fist  
Then she jumped in the air and did a somersault  
While Zest Grangaitz tried to pole vault  
Onto Jail Scaglietti, but they collided in the air  
Then they both got hit by a Cute Arf Stare_

_This is the Ultimate Showdown of TSAB's Destiny  
Terrans, Numbers, Wolkenritter, Hayate's Lesbian Army  
And only one will survive, I wonder who it will be  
This is the Ultimate Showdown..._

_Devils cried out in agonized worship  
Out from the flames materialized Nanoha  
Who shot Starlight Breaker made of pink friendship  
Into the crotch of Precia Test'rossa  
Who fell over on the ground, clutching her hip  
As Fate pretended to be Arisa  
__Mama saw through her clever disguise  
And she held Fate's head in between her thighs  
_

_Then Reinforce One and Reinforce Zwei and  
Book of Darknees and their mistress Hayate and  
Erio Mondial and Doctor Shamal and  
Carim Gracia and Regius the General  
Shario, Caro lu Rushe, Zaphira, and Dame Signum  
Ginga, Lutecia, every last cybernetic Num.  
Vice Granscenic and Griffith Lowran,  
Tia, Vita, Aria, and Chrono Harlaown  
All came out of nowhere lightning fast  
Turning the White Devil's schemes to a Divine Bust  
It was the bloodiest brawl existence ever saw  
With Midchildians looking on in total awe_

_And the battle raged on for a century  
Many lives were claimed, but eventually  
The champion stood, the rest saw their better:  
Mr. Graham in a bloodstained sweater_

_This is the Ultimate Showdown of TSAB's Destiny  
Terrans, Numbers, Wolkenritter, Hayate's Lesbian Army  
And only one will survive, I wonder who it will be  
This is the Ultimate Showdown...  
This is the Ultimate Showdown...  
This is the Ultimate Showdown...  
Of TSAB's Destiny_

_- - -  
_

Vivio breathed heavily after finishing the fast-paced song. There was shocked silence all around; she could not tell immediately if that was a good or bad sign.

**Shall I prepare your defences, mistress?** Royal Cypher seemed awfully nice in his mistress's expected final moments.

There was a sudden muffled gasp coming from Fate as she found her head trapped in between Nanoha's thighs. All eyes remained on Vivio, however.

"…"

"…encore!"


End file.
